Saturday, January 28, 2012

holding back when you want to do more

The past seven months of health issues have been really hard for many reasons. One difficulty has been getting used to not being able to do simple things I used to do with such ease. And learning that my pace has slowed. My husband has been an amazing servant and has picked up the slack where I haven't been able to help. It is hard when I know I should be able to do something, but in turn my body screams no. It has been hard to let go of wondering whether people think I am lazy, weak, have a low tolerance for pain, etc. In the end, I have come to terms that those judgements don't really matter because they are made out of ignorance of who I am. Still it is hard to hold back on things I believe I should be able to do.

Today I went to the gym for the first time in seven months. It was a little intimidating because I knew I would have to do much less than I am used to and for a lot less time. At first I found myself concerned about what people would think when they saw me leave in less than 20 minutes. Who goes to the gym for 20 minutes? I felt the need to tell people the reason I couldn't be there for longer. I let go of that thought and realized it was fueled more from my own pressure and frustration with the fact I could only do a little. I knew I could push my body more (I am good at the mind over matter thing), but I knew I would pay for that later (not to mention my husband getting frustrated with me if I did that ...let alone the fact he didn't even know I snuck out to the gym while he was at a meeting;)). The purpose of the outing was simply to start exercising again, regaining some strength, getting my heart pumping etc. I am convinced that exercise is good for the heart and will help my healing. I miss being able to run. The elliptical is frustrating. You get nowhere very slowly. But alas that is the machine at the gym I will use and I will have to get over the running thing. A while back a friend asked me if I missed going to the gym. And my answer was not really. She asked what I did instead ... and I said sleep. While I have enjoyed sleeping more, and I think it has been good for me, I have in some ways missed running and that time of thinking and working out frustrations. Hopefully in time the lovely elliptical will provide that outlet for me as well. So, in the end as much as I wanted to do more than 15 plus minutes on the elliptical, I didn't. I held back. I knew that was best.  The lesson at the gym is truly the lesson of my life right now.

I am in the process of figuring out what it looks like to invest in me in order that I can better invest in the important people/things in my life. I get excited thinking about it. Longing to find myself again. Longing to find my passions again. In the meantime I am trying to figure out what that looks like, what things I have to give up, and what boundaries I have to set. I am learning to live within my limits and still enjoy life and the people around me.

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