Wednesday, August 8, 2012

maybe it is better not to know

One year ago today, little did I know, was the beginning of a much longer sickness journey than I would have ever expected. After being sick over the weekend, I remember going to the doctor for an unrelated thing - simply to get a referral for my ocular migraines. I still wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to cancel the appointment. There had been a major car accident right by my doctor's office minutes before I arrived so I was forced to park a ways away and had to walk in the heat with a police escort to get to my doctor's office. I am not sure why I was so insistent on not rescheduling my doctor's appointment. I ended up passing out in the doctor's office and had to stay there for a couple of hours before I was allowed to drive home. Little did I know, this was only the beginning of a sickness journey I am still walking through. 

I often times just want to know. Just want to know how long I am going to be sick. When and IF I am going to recover. I often believe it would make it easier. To know. On the other hand I do think it is a blessing that we don't know what the future holds. If I would have been told a year ago that in a year I would still be dealing with sickness and it would get much much worse in the month to come, I am not sure that would have been beneficial to my hope and resilience to keep plugging along and working on getting better. Not knowing the future has given me hope. Without this hope I am not sure I would keep pressing on day after day, month after month. I keep thinking it will get better, it has to.