Tuesday, March 12, 2013

miss you farfar

The loss of my farfar is difficult on several levels.

I don't think it has fully sunk in that he is gone. Even when I saw his body I kept thinking he would wake up. He just looked asleep. While we were in Denmark I kept thinking he was on vacation and would come back soon. Death is a weird and surreal thing. It is so final here on earth as we know it. My farfar lived a full life until the very end. Serving his Lord. Exactly how we all wish to end our life, without prolonged suffering. I am thankful that he didn't have to suffer long. I think part of the difficulty of truly understanding his passing, is that he was seemingly healthy given his age of 84 up until his death. And then all of the sudden it was the end. It is like my brain is not allowing me to understand how this healthy man didn't have more years in him. I am thankful for the years I had with him. As his oldest grandchild, he always made me feel important and made sure to show how much he loved me. Despite living so far away from him much of my life, I have great memories of our time together and am thankful for visits and Skype.
Another difficult aspect of his passing, is what he represented. As my last living grandparent, he served the role of grandparents. He represented that generation. As a child we have parents and grandparents (and some have great grandparents). It is weird when all of a sudden one of those layers disappears especially when that is all you have known for 33 years. It makes you more vulnerable in a way. It is like a layer of protection from this world has been ripped away. It is weird to think about my parents now representing the oldest layer. When both of my mother's parents had passed away she said that even though she was an adult with her own children she felt like an orphan in some ways. I probably don't feel exactly like that, but in some ways I believe I do.
No matter which difficult layer the death of my farfar touches on, I am sad. I am sad for my loss. I am comforted to know that he loved God and is now with Him. But in the meantime his loss brings tears. My heart aches. I ache for my dad and his incredible loss. I ache for our family.

Death is difficult.

I miss you farfar.